Just read an article that said, “As the 2030s loom nearer,” and it was so rude.
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The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)