just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
You Might Also Like
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
AM I BEING GASLIT????
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.