just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
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In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.