Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…

friend: your name badge is on upside down

Got ya covered

Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”

Dragons: what does it do?

Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.

Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?

There are hundreds.

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.

We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners

If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.

Everyone has a nickname.

If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.

Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.