Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
You Might Also Like
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
I’m so full I could puke a horse