Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
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It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
mumsnet is amazing
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.