Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
*praying for world peace*
God:
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
