Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
