Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.

my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’

Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!