Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
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Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?