Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
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If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
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The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Feel. He’s so soft.
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Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate