Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
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Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT