Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
You Might Also Like
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.