Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much

“I wish every day was Friday.”

The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.

No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?

Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems

*i pick up my phone*

HER: your behavior is untenable

“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess