Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
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Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Okey dokey.
