Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
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I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
the three branches of government
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Woke up with morning Yule Log
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.