Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”

Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?

Me: yes, please! *opens purse*

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name

*cough*

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.