There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
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Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
classic mixup
When I said I liked it rough.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure