Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
You Might Also Like
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”