Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
You Might Also Like
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.