Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

#HatDadJoke

“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”

Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”