Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
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We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I want what they have
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Um … Hot Wings please
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.