Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
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Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Same pineapple, same
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.