Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

Digital security in Ancient Troy

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

Planet of the Apps.

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

9 circles of hell in this economy?

Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

Me: *opening trunk*

Tied up Guy: ope

Me: omg this isn’t my car

Tied up Guy:

Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing

Tied up Guy: happens to everyone

Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry