Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

Thaw me like one of your french fries

2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.

Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

stopped to pee at a McDonner’s

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.

My patience has stretch marks.

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

[mouse wedding]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.