Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.

I’m famous people used to have talent years old.

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on