just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
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Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo