just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
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After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
This is my emotional support knife.
do u think theres a butter planet?
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.