just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
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Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
congratulations to them
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
New comic up. “Ransom”
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen