Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
You Might Also Like
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Sponch
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Trying
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call