Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
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Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
britain’s three elite institutions
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet