Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
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Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Cat.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Me as a therapist: omg same
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID