Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer