Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

#DadJoke

[Swedish massage]

masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

3: mommy, you’re the best

me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!

3: me too

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.