Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
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when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
💀💀
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.