Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
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Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.