Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

HER: have you decided where you’re going to live

ME: I’m still on the fence

HER: that’s why I asked

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.

Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”

Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question