Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

[amazon dropping off my order]

Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!

Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!

Me:

Cat: Tomato Tomahto

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.