Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
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If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.