Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

Me: I’ll cook

Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

Stick it to the man

Alexa: *deep breath*

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!

Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again

How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.

when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead

One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness

doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark

me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs

me: just like a shark

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL