Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
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[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…