Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

smh

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate

Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

Me: you’re leaving me?

Her: [walking out]

Me: is it all of my-

Her:

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses

Me:

Her:

Me: -dramatic pauses?

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

going to the ER y’all need anything