Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
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When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.