Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

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Me: I think the coolest sport is horse golf

Guy: do you mean polo?

Me: [realizing he isn’t classy enough to know about horse golf] yes


Niece: Uncle I can’t find my Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (slow kicks empty boxes under couch) That’s Weird.


Apologies to my forehead for assuming that automatic doors will just “open.”


*I open my McDonald’s bag and a bunch of dirty pigeons fly out*

Narrator: The McPigeon, new from McDonald’s


Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.


I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.


For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.


I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.


Babies are instinctual swimmers like puppies, right? Kind of need an answer quickly.