Me: I think the coolest sport is horse golf
Guy: do you mean polo?
Me: [realizing he isn’t classy enough to know about horse golf] yes
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
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Niece: Uncle I can’t find my Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (slow kicks empty boxes under couch) That’s Weird.
Apologies to my forehead for assuming that automatic doors will just “open.”
*I open my McDonald’s bag and a bunch of dirty pigeons fly out*
Narrator: The McPigeon, new from McDonald’s
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Babies are instinctual swimmers like puppies, right? Kind of need an answer quickly.