Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
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*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Hot Panini is in big trouble
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.