Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
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You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.