Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
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Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
NASA has no chill
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
This is the one
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.