Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
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Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Honey I made you some hotdog water
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Möther may I have a snäck
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it