Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
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[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
this is the news I live for
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My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
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*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid