Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
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Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Me trying to “trust the process”
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
can’t catch a break
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
No, he would not have.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
is he marrying that labradoodle
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience