Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

DOOO EEEET

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

Thank you 🥹

All Amazon reviews are like

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy

⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”

Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*

spider: yeah that way’s fine too

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

DON’T TELL ME MY DISHWASHING SPONGE IS “CONTAMINATED.” MY SWEET DEPARTED GRANDMA GAVE ME THAT SPONGE. YOU KEEP MY GRANDMA’S NAME OUTTA YOUR MOUTH

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL