Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
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In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.