Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
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I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
OH. COME. ON.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options