Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
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[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Me, flirting😏
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Harsh but fair
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Not today
woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*