Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?

Him: You need to be more active in your community.

My Community: NOOOOO!!!!

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious

Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.