Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m laughing very hard in real life

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]

I just post them. I don’t explain them.

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

Amazon review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

the only bumper sticker ill allow

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

Me: My eyes are up here

Picasso: I disagree

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.

Stranger: No.

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.