Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.

Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

Me: When hippos-

Date: Yeah, I heard…

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury

Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?

Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.