Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
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that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
No laws when master is gone
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.