Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
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It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
How your email finds me
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.