Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*

“What?”

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

At a fried chicken place, looks delicious

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them

Friend: What do you like most about Adele?

Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.

I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”