Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.

No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved

Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know