just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
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I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
This kid will have a bright future.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
My favorite farside!!
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe