just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
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When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Investing in beetcoin
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz