just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
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I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.