Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part

Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland