Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
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Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?