@erica_rosie

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

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@TheMichaelRock

Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?

@markydoodoo

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

@3sunzzz

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

@xysist

Breakups is just a fancy name for what happens when men win arguments.

@agasramirez

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

@Marlebean

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

@blade_funner

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

@Mr_Kapowski

If anyone can remember the jokes from Popsicle sticks, I’ll be exposed for the fraud I am

@clichedout

her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am