Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

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Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?


Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.


People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”


Breakups is just a fancy name for what happens when men win arguments.


Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony


Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??


TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.


If anyone can remember the jokes from Popsicle sticks, I’ll be exposed for the fraud I am


her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am