@erica_rosie
@hyperblastchic
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
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@hyperblastchic
@thedad
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
@mzeld
The worst is when you text someone and they text you back 2 hrs later but you already keyed their car and emailed their secrets to everyone.
@justmiche74
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
@SthembileSimel5
Midrand traffic is caused by married men who don’t want to go home after work..
@Matt_The_1st
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
@TheIronSherk
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
@birbigs
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
@JohnLyonTweets
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
@omgthatspunny
He MAILED it
