Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
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if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare