Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

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Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*


Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes


The worst is when you text someone and they text you back 2 hrs later but you already keyed their car and emailed their secrets to everyone.


If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey


Midrand traffic is caused by married men who don’t want to go home after work..


“What’s wrong with our country?”


“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”



Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”


I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”