@erica_rosie

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

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@hyperblastchic

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

@thedad

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

@mzeld

The worst is when you text someone and they text you back 2 hrs later but you already keyed their car and emailed their secrets to everyone.

@justmiche74

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

@SthembileSimel5

Midrand traffic is caused by married men who don’t want to go home after work..

@Matt_The_1st

“What’s wrong with our country?”

OBAMA!

“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”

OBAMA!

@birbigs

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

@JohnLyonTweets

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”