Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter

Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…

Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook

Me: Aww too bad

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”

“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.