Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
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ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
I never know how much to tip a cow.
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.