Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
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Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend