Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
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Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
THIS HEADLINE
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]