Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
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-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
how DARE
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
❤️🦆
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.