Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
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Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.